2010 on reflection

OK so this year's been a bit of a mixed bag:

It didn't get off to a flying start when I lost my job at Games Workshop. I've just had a look through last year's version of this blog, where I described in what I hoped was a diplomatic sense how we'd come to the descion that I had to leave. Having had a year to struggle though and think about it since then the sad fact of the matter is this: I was asked to leave in the end because I didn't like selling things to people. If you ask GW about this, they will tell you that I left by my own choice (I'm pretty sure this is what they told the job centre, who cut off my jobseeker's allowance because they don't happen to think being told to leave your job is a good enough reason for doing so.) And that is true, as far as it goes, in fact I have my resignation letter saved and date-stamped on my computer. However, the so-called choice was either leave the company entirely or go for a job up in the Head Office section in Nottingham, which I wasn't prepared to do because a) that job was in no way guaranteed and b) they were in essence asking me to drop my friends, my family, my bands, everything I'd spent so long trying to achieve in Dudley to move up to Nottingham to get a job that was in no way guaranteed. So yes, I left in February.



It's easy to feel bitter about that, because I think the way in which GW went about it was very underhanded; they can say what they like about leaving by my own choice but the fact is if I had not been asked to leave I would not have left. But... as the year went by and I didn't have to talk to and try to get a sale out of everybody who came in through the door, a lot of the problems that caused me with regard to my mental health went as well. Thinking about it, the majority of what went so badly wrong with me last year that I had to go to therapy for it was due to the fact that - despite what I told myself - I really wasn't enjoying the job, and finding it very hard work. Gone were the long nights spent alone in the shop cashing up and cleaning up, gone was the obligation to talk to people who re-he-hearly didn't want me talking to them. The depression wasn't over, because the fact that I didn't have a job nor any prospect of getting one meant that losing the job at GW basically replaced one set of problems with another. But on reflection, I didn't really fit the company, or their work ethic. None of this meant I could afford to lose my job, of course, but then again why should that be their problem?



Next to go was Crashpoint. I guess in the end it collapsed under it's own weight. We got Luke back in the band and he was trying to pull the band in his own direction, I was trying to pull it in mine, it was already coming apart at the seams anyway with Emma and Rich trying to pull it in theirs, and we'd gone from being quite a good band to almost nothing in the space of a few weeks. Canonically we didn't actually break up until May, when I'd run out of both money and overdraft, Emma had left because the band had taken it's toll on her voice, and Rich had walked for his own reasons, but it was over by February and we knew it. We did one last gig at the Wharf bar which I would give maybe 6/10, then as it became ever-more joyless, disappeared into the list of the 'also-rans.'



Interesting, it doesn't hurt as bad as it did - and sometimes still does, though I talk a lot less about it now - as when Jack's Legacy broke up. There's a few reasons for this, not least of which Crashpoint was nowhere near as good a band as JL was. Also, I made a significant effort not to get too personally close to any of the guys in Crashpoint because I knew that it would hurt a lot less if the time came when we had to go our seperate ways, which of course it did. But probably the main reason was that it was just our time. With JL, we had a very real chance for success if we'd held it together; that chance was snatched away from us in a very underhanded way. Crashpoint never really had that chance, and it broke up in the end because we literally couldn't do it anymore. That being said, it was nearly three years of my life which I don't let go lightly, and we did more gigs than any other band I've been involved in, so big thanks to Cj for sticking with me from the beginning right up until the end.

While all this was going on I was trying to get off the ground in terms of becoming a gigging musician but that wasn't really working for me either. Not many of the bands I applied for wanted to know, though Roxy Magic were kind enough to give me an audition. I eventually ended up joining My Immortal, a tribute to Evanesence, though that fell apart a few weeks later. It was during this period that I got together with Hannah and John and formed Perception, however we have a, how can I put this? Less than dicplined appoach to band practice (I won't speak for the others but for my part I'm late for near enough all of them and get the giggles at some point every single time,) and a less than complete line-up. This has now been the case for literally months and we are working to improve it, but with my confidence knocked with Crashpoint breaking up and timetable filling up with an ever-busier schedule, the future is far from certain. Then again we've kept it together that long; perhaps because I'm not taking it so seriously?

And then in June, it all started to turn around for me. My first paid gig was a great one, playing bass for Plastic Pantomime at a wedding in Wales, so once again thanks to the guys in PP for that. Far more significantly, in June I met for the first time the woman who in September became my girlfriend: Amy. Whether she - or anyone, really - understands what a profound effect this has had on my confidence and self esteem, I don't know. But right now, I feel fully justified in saying that it feels absolutely fantastic to finally have a girlfriend after 25 years; she's an intergral part of my life now and it's a long time since I've felt this good about anything! We've kept the details of our relationship... not a secret, but pretty quiet, and rightly so as there's only so much people want to know about this sort of thing. However I will say this: There's a lot to be said for taking things slowly, going at your own pace, and making sure we're as comfortable with one another as can be. I think it's going really well.

Also over the summer I got not one but two jobs; I work for Coady Consultants as an assistant administrator, and I teach guitar for Dudley Performing Arts. Both jobs seem to be going OK, largely through conducting myself in a manner that's useful to both parties. For example, the work I've been doing for Coady has put me in a 'safeguarding' frame of mind, so that I've always got my safeguarding hat on when I'm going around the schools in Dudley teaching guitar. The work is increasing and hopefully we can carry it on into the future, which isn't certain at the moment because of council cuts etc but if I'm careful over the next few months I can prepare myself financially for the worst. Unfortunately it was already too late for me in that respect, since not a month has gone by since June where I haven't had a letter from the bank fining me for going over my overdraft. Yes, there are some times when I have been careless; half a year is a long time to go without any money. The fact that Barclays Bank has done a significant amount of damage to the situation by fining me so much money seems to be lost on them. But that should hopefully be behind me now and if I'm careful it might just work out OK for me.

A lot of ifs. A lot of mights.

I've also been going around Stourbridge, Wolverhampton and Walsall over the last year or so playing acoustic shows, which included a spot on BridgeFM of all things! They've kept the momentum going, and I've been developing a far more keen sense of what works and what doesn't. What this is going to do for me in the future, I don't know. What it has done for me this year is put me in a position where I'm capable of doing a far more convincing performance. I don't necessarily go down with a bang, but if you saw me at the start of the year, and see how I've come on since then... well, if even I've noticed it, it must be a significant amount! No shows booked yet for next year but I'll see what happens with that.

I've kept up the games, I've started playing Yu Gi Oh cards, (I know I'm 25 but it's a laugh, come on,) and I still play 40k and Lord of the Rings. In spite of what I said earlier about Games Workshop as a company, I do still enjoy the games and I made some very good friends there who I am still friends with to this day, cheers Dave, so I keep on at it with my little black book of grudges. We even managed to get a game of Space Hulk in before Christmas. I haven't played so much Fantasy; I've only recently bought the rules to it, partly because of my financial situation and partly because I don't like the way Warhammer tends to be played (I have precious little time for tournament players which unfortunately is all Warhammer seems to be these days) but I might pick it up again in the new year. And I finally finished my Chaos Army, the first time I've ever managed a 1500 army in the 12 years I've been playing 40k... it's mad, but I did it in the end.

So, what am I going to make of next year, any resolutions? Actually, I have one: Do one gig a week. Now that can be with a band, a solo gig, or an open night, just so long as I keep that momentum going all the way through the year. If I'm fortunate enough to be able to go on holiday at some point this year, I'll let myself off that week. Reason for this? Well it's basically because I still want to keep going as a musician, despite what my jobs now entail, and the only way this is going to happen is if I give some sort of structure to my development. Plus I quite like playing gigs.

There's not much point in me saying thing like 'lose a stone,' or 'stop drinking coke,' or 'move out,' or 'give up swearing,' because I'll only end up kicking myself when I haven't. My resolutions for the last couple of years have been things that have contributed to my being, but are fundamentally superficial. And they work! Listening to different kinds of music in 2009 broadened my horizons significantly. Reading one chapter a week of a book about being creative has lent to me some very useful pieces of advice. Hopefully with my gigging ambitions, it'll get me somewhere, and even if it doesn't, at least it will help me develop as a musician.

I'd also like to start up the gig reviews again; I haven't done any since June and it's about time I got a few more in.



Roll on 2011...

Merry Christmas Maggie Thatcher

 Dear oh dear, this has caused some grief:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NWB5wdDAyQ&feature=fvw

The Thick Of It page were kind enough to post a link to the video on Facebook and I've seen a suprising number of people comment making coments ranging from "very disrespectful," "It was a long time ago, leave it alone," and "Thatcher was a hero!"

Now I don't pretend that I know much about Margret Thatcher and her government that hasn't been taught to me by my decidedly left-wing family, and granted I'm a bit too young to really know what I'm talking about so my attitude towards the conservative government is essentially prejudice. I don't particularly like that idea, but the plain fact of the matter is that by the time I was old enough to care about the reasons why, Round Oak Steelworks had been, gone, and been replaced by Merry Hill, and Dudley Town Centre was descending into the desolate wasteland that I recognise today.

But I'm guessing that the people who are saying that these attitudes and videos and other propaganda are disrespectful weren't the ones picketing the mines 25 years ago, desperately trying to hold on to their jobs and their livelihoods. They weren't running the steel mills that were forced into closure, or any of the supporting businesses that relied on them. They didn't lose their full-time salaries to find them replaced with part-time jobs that couldn't support a family. They didn't live in the areas that eventually became ghost towns because they'd lost their economic infrastructure as well as their jobs. They weren't the people who were unable to claim the support from the so-called 'welfare state' because they had been on strike.

This being said, it's saddening that those on the 'other side' can't respond with anything more imaginitive than "Tory C***s!" Come on guys, we can do better than this...