While I was editing my CV last week I found I had written gig reviews under 'other skills.' I took it off thinking that it's been a long time since I did a review, and found myself thinking about the reasons why...
Notwithstanding my last review, which was a less than positive take on a group of young bands and performers, some of which were very under-rehearsed and got me into a bit of trouble with their promoter and the magazine I was writing the review for, most of my reviews have been quite well-received. In fact, I used to be quite proud of writing the reviews and publishing them on what was then my Myspace blog for people to read, and one or two message board sites as well. I remember Dale from Acoustic Brew telling me that he used to really enjoy reading them; it gave him a good idea of who was doing well at that point, and he recognised that I was never nasty about bands who were falling short of the mark (not usually for lack of trying!) but at the same time he would put off booking them until he'd read that they'd improved. As that's the whole point, it was a really good thing to hear!
Then I started gigging a lot, and the gigs I attended almost always coincided with gigs I was actually playing. When I go to local gigs, they're usually to see bands that I'm friends with, which at that point were Pan and the Poets, and more recently Mezzotonic. Very quickly, the people I was watching became people I knew in person, played gigs with myself, and considered good friends. I know a lot of the local promoters, and I have seen quite a few of the local bands - and a lot of those guys know who I am as well. I doubt many of them would thank me for writing less than positive reviews about those guys.
Also, I'm writing a lot of blogs these days and working at something approaching normal working hours, which means it's not all that easy for me to get to gigs and all the writing's usually taken out of me!
I have other, personal issues as well. Perhaps it's because I'm out of practice, or maybe it's to do with the change of circumstances, but I find it very difficult to be objective any more. When I was writing reviews, it was in the few years where I wasn't very happy with my life, and I was trying very hard to succeed with my band. These days it's all turned round on it's head, I'm reasonably happy most of the time, but I'm barely trying any more with any of my bands and with the solo stuff, well, I'm only accountable to myself in most cases and that makes it work a lot better for me. So before, I would judge the bands by the standards I would expect to put on myself were I playing the gig; some bands were better, some were worse and some were about the same. But when I go to a gig and see bands playing now, quite frankly it just makes me miserable that I'm not in a gigging band any more. That is, of course, unless I really enjoy them. Right now that's just Mezzotonic. Every other band just drags back up for me memories of when I used to be up there on the stage doing the only thing I've ever really wanted to do with my life, and wish I still was.
Wish I still could. That's hardly a guarantee any more. I'm 26, if I'm not already over the hill then I'm certainly not all that far away. The music industry has been diluted to the point where it's actually easier to ignore everything that's going on rather than pay attention to every gig invite, every friend you have who's in a band, everyone who's made a recording, on the off chance you'll come across something you like. Spit in the air and it will land on someone in a band, for heaven's sake. And I can't get the commitment from the people I have tried to be in a band with over the last two years; Crashpoint was probably my last real hope for the kind of success I was chasing, and Jack's Legacy was as good as it ever got in terms of the music and live performance. That has been a bitter pill for me to try and swallow over the last 5 years.
Last night's gig was a good example of this. I enjoyed Mezzotonic again, although I was a bit miffed that I'd turned up half-way through their set. The next two bands, all I could think about was 'why am I not doing this?' Of Kings and Captains headlined the night and they are a great band, they really are, but by then I was in such a bad mood that I couldn't even stand to stay until the end, so guys, sorry for walking out on you.
This probably sounds like spiteful jealousy, and I suppose it is to a degree, but it's not that simple. The key difference between then and now is that I'm not like this all the time. I'm generally OK most of the time these days. But when I have to watch my contemporaries, and kids who are significantly younger than me, getting further ahead than I have a hope of getting now, it brings back all those bitter feelings of loss and defeat I associate with losing my old bands. That being the case, probably best that I keep away from gigs I'm not playing for the time being.
Sorry, this hasn't been comfortable to write and I can't imagine it's been all that pleasant to read.
Edit: A bit of a factual misrepresentation, sorry about that! The last gig I reviewed was the opening night at the Baseline venue at the Earl of Dudley Arms in Feb 2011, which is not the gig I referred to in the opening few paragraphs.
